Catching the Oregon Crud

Out here on the western slopes of the Cascades lives an evil and virulent force!  Microbe Fundamentalists!  Soul stealing, opportunistic, and invisible they continually scan the landscape for any biological weaknesses around them! 

In the beginning it is hardly noticeable.  You sense there is some amassing of troops and equipment around your borders – some early probes; distant lights in the night maybe; dim!  No real incursions – they know you are ready for that.  Someone may comment to you when you are on the phone that you sound terrible.  And you say, “I always sound like that on the phone!”  They rely on the element of surprise!

Sometimes there is a sneeze or two; dust, no doubt!  Then at night you realize you must be swallowing too much because your throat has a sort of worn out feel to it.  They are on the move!  They begin to set up supply lines.  In the morning the alarm clock rings much earlier than usual – it can’t be!  But in the early phase being upright on the ground and moving about is your friend, coffee is your friend, daylight is your friend.  It’s then they are most likely to hunker down for a short while!  They work to blend in to the environment. They sweet talk their way through your defensive lines, they are casually dressed, they smile and wave at the flagmen.  But their pockets are filled with rusty nails, tacks, weeds, seeds, and hooks.  They are foreigners – they have no visas for entry.  They are up to no good!

After a couple more days you notice that 10:00 p.m. seems to come around 6:00 p.m. and as you begin to build your rationale for going to bed that early, you make a mental list of actions that you will take to better care for yourself.  You will pledge to cut down on coffee, cut down on alcohol, drink more orange juice, and eat less junk food, exercise and so on!  At work – your mind begins to feel slippery.  Deadlines begin to lack the normal gravitas; sniffles do not dry in the usual time frame.  Beach heads have been established, bacteria Special Forces are digging foxholes into your sinuses.  It’s too late!

The predictable counter attacks of herbal teas, hot pepper concoctions, grandma’s elixirs, are laughable!  The invaders simply seize the convoys, quickly dispatch the escorts then turn the substances into a liquid; a green, then brown goo!  The goo is distilled into poison and moves like a high unpredictable tide carrying with it armored divisions with chainsaws and broken glass; a toxic glacier scrubbing the landscape free of any resistance.  Your lungs heave with it!  In the mountains of your brain – they have circled a strong rope that runs just behind your eyes, to your temples and around the back of your head!  They pull it tighter and tighter with old winches.  Soon, becoming horizontal to the ground is your friend! 

No one really hears or sees them leave!  The eventual ‘retreat’ is not a retreat!  Scorched and burned bare, they leave only because they have had their way with you.  Sure, there are a few freedom riders with white bandanas roaming around inside as if they had actually chased the hoards out!  But it is over only because the invaders decided it was over.  You are left dazed and feeling helpless!  Unfortunate – but predictable!  You are still three days away from the new contract with self on how you will develop new habits on how to appreciate life more because you have been spared! 

Easily ten days away from your next shot of Jack Daniels!